Sunday, 11 August 2013

Loving, Caring and Hoping ... until the very last 

“Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell someone how much you love, how much you care.  Because when they’re gone, no matter how hard you shout and cry, they won’t hear you anymore”. Author Unknown.  

Don’t we all believe that we will have tomorrow?  Then we will decide where to go with our lives, then we will love our fellow brothers and sisters, then we will ask our neighbours how they have been, then we will buy our best friend flowers and send them a surprise gift… and only tomorrow we will tell the ones we love that we care.  For some of us … tomorrow never comes.

Every time we were in one room, it was one room to close to each other.  Every time we knew we would meet, we tried to avoid it as far as possible.  We still had so much to say and yet we thought we said it all.  We still had so much to do, yet our time had run out. The message came as a shock – once my lover and then a friend… he passed away.

I was in town the previous weekend – hoping to see him because I knew how much he is going through and I needed to speak to him badly.  I never got around doing so. 

I cried about him … mostly at night in bed when I was alone… mostly happy tears.  I remember so much of time spent together.  And sadly as it is, at that time we had so many people surrounding us that felt we were building our happiness on their misfortune.  But we did no wrong and we were happy.  Although we had to fight through each rugby and hockey game, through each social event and every day of being-closed and together day with looks, talks and slander – we made it – until I ran! 

Now… I am not sure if he is in Heaven, though I am praying and believing that he will be.  Standing there smiling knowing that even though he died young, he lived his life.  He lived everyday as if it were going to be his last.  He smiled as if every smile is going to be the last redemption of a victim in need.  He lightened up the room just by walking in.  And even though our relationship did not last much longer after a few months I matriculated … I loved him and I did not half as much as I could’ve to save the relationship.  For me it was always easier to walk away.

One decision I made - is that I will never feel this way again.  I don’t want to make the same mistake again.  It hurts like hell; it burns so deeply that at times it is hard to breath.  When I think of him, I have to pinch myself making myself believe he is now gone.  When I cry, the tear burns my face and every tear has a memory of him in it.  I made a mistake, and now – no matter how hard I shout or cry he cannot hear.  And even if he listens, he is now at peace – which I believe.
My only hope is that the “Johnson’s” will realise that tomorrow, at his funeral, they need to burry all ghosts of the past with him.  Not only is he gone, but that would be what he wanted most – peace.   They need to forgive and forget, for his sake. 

I will go on knowing that he knew what I felt and what I was thinking.  I will get up each day knowing he is looking down on each one that was a part of his life, especially his son that was born two days after he passed away, and he will be proud and he will be smiling.

May we realise that life is short, we may only have today.  We may only have now and not later.  We need to love and cherish each other, we need to love unconditionally and we need to be there for each other; playing that part in each other’s life making that missing piece fit and the broken heart whole.  We need to trust, hope and live. 

Today may be our last …

Dedicated to Jan

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