Sunday, 11 August 2013

Loving, Caring and Hoping ... until the very last 

“Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell someone how much you love, how much you care.  Because when they’re gone, no matter how hard you shout and cry, they won’t hear you anymore”. Author Unknown.  

Don’t we all believe that we will have tomorrow?  Then we will decide where to go with our lives, then we will love our fellow brothers and sisters, then we will ask our neighbours how they have been, then we will buy our best friend flowers and send them a surprise gift… and only tomorrow we will tell the ones we love that we care.  For some of us … tomorrow never comes.

Every time we were in one room, it was one room to close to each other.  Every time we knew we would meet, we tried to avoid it as far as possible.  We still had so much to say and yet we thought we said it all.  We still had so much to do, yet our time had run out. The message came as a shock – once my lover and then a friend… he passed away.

I was in town the previous weekend – hoping to see him because I knew how much he is going through and I needed to speak to him badly.  I never got around doing so. 

I cried about him … mostly at night in bed when I was alone… mostly happy tears.  I remember so much of time spent together.  And sadly as it is, at that time we had so many people surrounding us that felt we were building our happiness on their misfortune.  But we did no wrong and we were happy.  Although we had to fight through each rugby and hockey game, through each social event and every day of being-closed and together day with looks, talks and slander – we made it – until I ran! 

Now… I am not sure if he is in Heaven, though I am praying and believing that he will be.  Standing there smiling knowing that even though he died young, he lived his life.  He lived everyday as if it were going to be his last.  He smiled as if every smile is going to be the last redemption of a victim in need.  He lightened up the room just by walking in.  And even though our relationship did not last much longer after a few months I matriculated … I loved him and I did not half as much as I could’ve to save the relationship.  For me it was always easier to walk away.

One decision I made - is that I will never feel this way again.  I don’t want to make the same mistake again.  It hurts like hell; it burns so deeply that at times it is hard to breath.  When I think of him, I have to pinch myself making myself believe he is now gone.  When I cry, the tear burns my face and every tear has a memory of him in it.  I made a mistake, and now – no matter how hard I shout or cry he cannot hear.  And even if he listens, he is now at peace – which I believe.
My only hope is that the “Johnson’s” will realise that tomorrow, at his funeral, they need to burry all ghosts of the past with him.  Not only is he gone, but that would be what he wanted most – peace.   They need to forgive and forget, for his sake. 

I will go on knowing that he knew what I felt and what I was thinking.  I will get up each day knowing he is looking down on each one that was a part of his life, especially his son that was born two days after he passed away, and he will be proud and he will be smiling.

May we realise that life is short, we may only have today.  We may only have now and not later.  We need to love and cherish each other, we need to love unconditionally and we need to be there for each other; playing that part in each other’s life making that missing piece fit and the broken heart whole.  We need to trust, hope and live. 

Today may be our last …

Dedicated to Jan

Saturday, 27 July 2013

                                   The new me

                                                  Change - It's good, possible and necessary! 

I opened the book next to my bed this afternoon, opening up on “The new you”.  The writer explains how Jacob in the Bible never realised that whilst struggling, he was busy with God.  It was not until he realised he had to change and become new until his struggles passed and God became a reality to him. 

God work in such wonderful ways – earlier I unpacked from not being home for a month and ever since I relocated back from where I first lived, I had so many issues (one of them of course being the closets and too little space for my clothes) around the fact that I now was sharing a place with someone.  And since I moved in I have not been the most comfortable person to live with – I think… and though I had moan about everything possible I realised at that moment that I was the one that had to be tolerated at the end.   I had to stand still for a while, realising how selfish I had been.  I felt so guilty! 

And as I read this piece, the writer explained that if we wait for God to change those around us, we will keep on struggling in life and we will never find peace.  We will always have issues and we will never get to be close to God.  We must realise that once you become a child of God, the old you needs to change into the new you - the one God intend for us to be!  We, (I – and I in capital) needs to change!  Then we will see past the negative, we will see past the small things in life we found annoying and unbearable! 

We always get stuck in a situation or difficult decision – we forget that there’s so much more beauty surrounding us.  We forget that – as Winston Churchill quotes – We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.  We get selfish and we forget that God says love others as yourself and as I love you.  And life is about balance, we need not to love others instead of ourselves!  But we need to care, that is what we were created for. 

Did you find your goal in life yet?  Do you know why God created you?  If you did, then you will find that THAT is your reason for living.  If you did not, then you will find THAT is your reason for living too – to find and to strive towards the  goal and purpose for your life.  

I am “blessed” with all the human qualities possible to have – emotions; fear; anger; selfishness; worries.  I can stay up all night worrying about a big decision and if I will be making the right or wrong choice or crying about someone that I felt treated me not according to what I expected (and sometimes just to cry because I am a woman) and I think that makes it a little harder to handle the fact that I am now the one in corrected.  I need to change; I cannot sit around waiting for the person next to me to change in order for me to live a happier life!
How did we get to a point where we feel that we are being owed something by someone?  How did we get so selfish?

In May this year I attended a Word in Action camp for woman.  On the last night they prayed for each one in the group and they asked if there were something specific we can pray for together.  At that point I knew I had a decision to make that has an impact on me as well as some others close to me.  Little did I know something else much bigger would come along so soon and that it would be an even bigger decision.  I also felt that it had to be made within that month so we prayed.  Two months later, today, I realised that I am not obligated to make any decision immediately (unless of course necessary).  I will wait for God.  We are so quick to jump to conclusions and make irrational decisions BASED on the WRONG reasons and emotions! God only showed up at Bethany after Lazarus has been dead for four days!  His time is not ours. 

He who is God, our Heavenly Father has a plan for us.  A plan concerning our future, our family, our friends, our hearts and that plan of GOD is GOOD.  Therefore we need to wait … Even if it takes longer than you hoped it would, wait… because it will be worth it.

May we find the things in life again that gives us pleasure and hope and not lose it.  May we find the joy and save it in our hearts – and do the things that put that smile on your face.  May we remember that the life of us does not concern anyone else – they play a big part in it – but I am my own person.  I will go according to what God has planned for me and what makes me happy.  We needn't live to impress others.  If we lose hope and we lose our dreams, what do we have left?

Psalm 118:24 “This is the day the LORD has made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it”.  
Let this be our everyday-rule to live by …

Sunday, 10 June 2012

 F R I E N D s h i p

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none." - William Shakespeare

Last week I read a status posted on Facebook, probably known as one of the world’s largest social websites, of someone listed on my list of friends.  In her status, she did not use a lot of words, but the few sentences she did use explained exactly how much she loves and misses her friend.  I was totally moved and insanely affected by that.  Then I decided to read on ... and her friend – the one she wrote the message for – commented.  WOW (Words of Wisdom) ... Then I asked myself: WHAT WILL THE WORLD BE WITHOUT FRIENDS, and what would we be without true friends?   Her reply was so soft and gentle, inspiring and motivational that I instantly missed my best friend so much. 

The way she wanted to keep all hurt and sorrow from her best friend was the utmost amazing explanation – and they did it “on air”...! Not one of them was afraid to tell the whole world how they felt, they did not hesitate for one second to think about what the rest of the social society out there will think or believe of them – they just didn’t care except for each other! It made me think of a quote I once read explaining that friends greet each other when passing by, but best friends yell I LOVE YOU when they see you on the other side of the street, still miles away. And if that infiltrated my heart and soul, how much more didn’t it mean to each of them – now that’s friends!

How do you explain how much love you have for a friend?  When one say “LOVE” you think boyfriend, husband, and intimate. And in today’s life I can actually go a little further with the meaning of love in most youngsters’ vocabulary – which I doubt I want o do.  This might just kill my passion to tell my story ...   but do you ever stop for one minute and think of love differently and in more than one way? 

I always thought of those so” into” friendship as crazy!  I had my friends okay, but I knew there will always be more and more and when they are gone, I will have some more  ... Until I lost one at a time when I needed her so much.  And only when I realized this friendship was on the edge of going doing hill – fast and unexpected – I realized it was my own fault.  I never cared to tell her how I feel, what she meant to me, I never bothered to go and visit as often as I could or should’ve.  And at the end I got what I deserved. 

Then God gave me you ... (and this makes me think of the song sung by Dave Barnes – God gave me you.  If you don’t know the song you’ll better Google it NOW!)  But He gave me a friend back – one I will always cherish because I know how little I deserve her – yet I love her with all of my heart.

By reading the status as explained previously, I couldn’t help to smile.  My heart warmed up and I was almost jumping up and down with excitement.  How exiting is it – having a friend you can spoil, you can call, you can talk to and share things with, you can embrace and take care of, pray for and a friend you can rely on no matter what.  The thought of being needed, being a part of something bigger than yourself ... Doesn’t that blow your mind?!

You will realise once your heart sings with joy when she laughs and when she is sad and you see her cry and her heart filled with sorrow you wish you can take it from her.  When you don’t want to let go when you give her a hug, when you call her at midnight asking for a place to sleep and a silent shoulder to cry on and she does not hesitate, when you say goodbye – even though you know you will see her again tomorrow – it hurts so much and you don’t want to let her go. It is when you don’t care to impress with your style or clothing nor your shoes – you just put on anything in the quickest way imaginable, to make sure you spend as much time with her as possible. When you walk pass your photo frame and it kills you until you give her a call to just say hello, and when you feel that warm embrace, love and tenderness in your heart when you talk of or to her – you have made a friend for life. 

Cherish that friendship and take good care of it.  Live for the moment and not the memory.  Some say that friendship is like a flower and it will only grow if you give it water and love and take good care of it – I agree. 

Pray for that friend, because when you find her you will realize your whole world changes... You start to love unconditionally.

Monday, 16 April 2012




Does love exist and how does it feel? Is it something you practise or is it just another way to live?
For so long i did not care nor did i love, i did not want to yet have i to obey my God above.
God said: "Love is patient, love is kind, and love never fails."
I like to wonder ... I wonder about life, i wonder about people, i wonder about friendship... and now i wonder about love.
One day ago i sent my friend a message that read "The only reason why we aren't sisters is because one Mom could never handle us."
This is sent after searching for the right way to tell her how much she means... yet i could not find it nor could it tell her that, meaning the world to me, knowing when i fall she is always there, being alone and scared she will pick up when i call even answers my message at two in the morn'.
One thing i could not explain ... why?
Now i know!! Sunday a man stood up in church and talked about "love" ... Yes love... and i was devestated and i was laughing, i was crying and i was dying, i felt sorrow and i felt pain ... I felt something in side and now i know i will never be the same.
Watching "Lover never dies", the spectacular music performance by Andrew Lloyd Webber i finally got it. Love! Love never dies, love is kind, love is patient, love always wait, love give and do not expect ... love, LOVE, LOVE.
Watching the people i sat with... I realised... this is no longer just people i work with. These are the people i now love.
Sitting in church, that guy bubbling about this "love" thing that flips in my head, i saw an elderly lady with whom i feel i can associate myself. I realised, i love her too!
My sister and i had a fight... and missing her i knew suddenly it was not guilt!
My friend - it’s not a Mom that could not handle us both but that was God, sending me an angel to show me love. To help me care about others again. To help me overcome all fears i possibly had that had to do with love. This friend, sent out of Heaven taught me to trust and live again.
And i realised, Sunday, tonight, and i will realise it for the next 20 years of my life, that the only reason we are friends, is because of love.
Love hurts yes, but love is so good. Love is so kind it follows you home, and when you get into bed it is still there - right next to you and in your heart!
Love is sometimes hard, but love is fun! When you are lonely love is right there!
Love gives and never takes. Love embrace and do not erase.
Love makes you strong and yet sometimes weeps.
But we are made out of Love... We are a human race that was created to love and care!
How do you explain the feeling of joy, passion, freedom, laughter, willingness and even forgiveness without L O V E...?
Yes!! I am telling you love! To love someone is love. Love yourself! Love your family and friends!
Love your Heavenly Father...
I want to thank God for opening my eyes... Making me see how important love really is.
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love never fails
Love NEVER dies